she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
