Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
