Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
