Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
