she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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