He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
