If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
