My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Semen is not good for contacts.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
