Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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