Don't make out with my wife yet
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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