You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
