Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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