Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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