A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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