Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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