and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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