this boner is exhausting
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
