i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
