Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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