my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
