Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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