I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
