Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
why do cheetos always look like penises
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
