I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
