You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
