I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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