the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
