Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
