Kareoke will never be a sober sport
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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