God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
