Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Its about making memories worth repressing
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
