my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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