He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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