Farmville is her only friend.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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