Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
