Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
