i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
