this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
