You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
ttyl tear gas
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
