I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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