Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
