If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
