I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
why is half of my head shaved?
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