Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
