i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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