Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
false alarm. still invincible.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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