You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
