i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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