Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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