my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
